I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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