I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
