your parents love me but you hate me
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
