Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize