And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
