Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
