I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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