Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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