you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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