Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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