went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
