im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
