So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
