how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
