I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
