i already hear my dad disowning me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
