I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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