Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
