Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
