if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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