She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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