My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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