Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
