just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
