I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
