Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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