Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
