I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
