I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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