Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
