My underwear smells like fireworks.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
