i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
