Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
