I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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