I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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