I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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