So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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