I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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