so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
my poor anus
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
