I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
