Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
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There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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