Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
