This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
