i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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