Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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