i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
