I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
