I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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