Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
