hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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