just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
