i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
