im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
