last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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