I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
