One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I stole a fireplace last night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
