My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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