My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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